The heck is this?!

Today I come home from work to find my mother, my own flesh and blood, entertaining the bane of my existence: Tyra Mother Effing Banks. I DO NOT CONDONE TYRA BEING IN MY HOUSE AND ENTERTAINING MY MOTHER.

I hate her so much (Tyra, not my mom). But since my mom frowns upon me telling her what to do, Tyra "Plague Upon The Earth" Banks is still using our television set to transport herself into our living room. That's right, my home, the one place of comfort and safety, is now filled with the loud sounds of a shrewish banshee woman. And who does Tyra think she is? You know what I hate, when she tries to "open people's eyes" to the injustice in the world. Like when she dressed up in a fat suit and lived a day like a plus-sized girl.



Hey, guess what? I didn't need Asshat VagWeiner to dress up in a fat suit to tell me that being fat sucks. I've pretty much been able to figure that out myself. And of course because she's Tyra and a fart face she was all up in people's business about it. Like she would walk up to random strangers and be like, "I'm fat! Why are you judging me?!" and then when they looked at her strangely, she would be like, "People treat you so badly when you're overweight." No, people treat you badly when you're a crazy D-list celebrity dressed in the worst fat suit I've ever seen.

There was just a preview for another episode of her show where they make a little white girl drink dirty water from a water bottle so she can know what it's like to "live in Africa". Puh-lease, Tyra. You're no Oprah.

For Christmas, I'm going to ask Santa to please expel Tyra banks from the face of the earth by any means possible. Or at least cancel her shows. Or a pony.

What the kids are watching

Tonight my friend Ria invited me to her house to partake in some free dinner and bad, CW related television. Naturally, I agreed.

Now, I feel like I must be completely honest. I am not against watching, and making the occasional smart ass comment about, teen dramas. Hey, I've watched my fair share of Degrassi (Canada's finest export) and One Tree Hill. Any girl who tells you they haven't watched teen dramas at one point in their life is hiding something.

The CW's Monday night line-up starts with Gossip Girl.



I've never seen this show before but I hear that people are all about it. Oh my effing God is an understatement. This show is ridiculous! Ria tried to warn me. "You're going to feel really bad about watching this." Well if that wasn't the understatement of the century. The blonde one likes the brunette guy who is brooding in an elevator and the other brunette one likes the brunette chick who is hooking up with a British guy and they all make out with each other and someone works in fashion. Check this out though, these people:



These people here are supposed to be SIXTEEN. As in 1-6. Good Christ the CW doesn't even care does it? They pluck any random hot actor from the street and call it a day. I frown upon that only because that isn't my job. But really, sixteen? Maybe the one in the blue dress but Chace Crawford over on the left has got to be at least 30.

Anywhoosie, everything you think happens on Gossip Girl happens. The plot lines are completely predictable and cheesy, but hot damn, is it entertaining. I am going to do my best to resist watching next week, but no promises.

We also watched this gem:



There was a funeral, kidnapping schemes, cougars and their young boys, basketball and everything you've come to expect (or not expect) from the OTH. I'm not even going to play, I don't have an answer as to why I still watch this. Oh wait, yes I do.


Kidnapee to Kidnapper, trying to get into the kidnapper's head: Why don't you have kids? You're young, attractive and crazy as a craphouse rat.

Voiceover during the funeral scene: Grief is like the ocean, it's deep and dark.


You know what else is deep and dark? The hole where my brain used to be.

Thanks Ria for sharing in my love of bad TV and making the best spaghetti sauce I've ever tasted.